What I learnt about myself from the dream I had.

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Amara had the weirdest dream she had, had in a very long, long time. She saw that the fictional TV star she had a tiny feeling of affection towards, appeared in her dream and well, obviously liked her. Never had she thought that such a thing could be true, and though it was the common convention that she should enjoy the dream- she just couldn’t. His co-star had also found her way in the dream and well,the lover’s triangle created a riot  something, Amara was not very comfortable with.

Amara thought, even though this was a dream- her dream, She decided that she needed to defend this person’s right to be in her lover’s life, even though the dream clearly wanted to run itself over its own cycle and want Amara to be with this fictional TV star, Amara wasn’t satisfied.  She twisted and twirled in bed, because this dream, which was supposed to be a fairy tale, ended up being a nightmare. All she could see was rain and thunder and more chaos. She tried to control herself from not falling off the bed and did all she could to pacify the voluptuous ego and suffering of the other TV star. A very profound thing happened in the dream though. For a minute, she was left alone with the TV star; – the person who she didn’t even know in reality- walked her back home. A small human gesture of him holding her by her shoulder and letting her know, that it’ll all be okay made her feel like yes- yes everything would be fine.

She woke up the next morning, trying to recollect why she had this warm feeling and why even though today was a very dull, monsoon day, she felt as if a thousand suns were glazing down at her. Her dream then came to her and although everything that she had dreamed about, was purely fiction and didn’t seem like it could ever happen in a million years, she wondered why did she have a very loving feeling in the pit of her stomach. She tried to forget about it and continued with her daily chores. Knights in shining armors could wait, laundry could not. However, that evening, when she lay wrapped warmly in bed and tried to just forget the day’s hectic schedule and refresh herself by doing something recreational, she realized that she could not concentrate on anything.

She needed to think about the dream and go back to it. She then, made a cup of cocoa and sat by the porch. The evening lights sparkled as the cars moved by and when she fixed my eyes on the porch light- she finally understood what was bothering her so much. It was the simple question of why even in her dream did she try to give up her ‘love’ for someone else, why did she let any other woman’s desire for love overcome my own simplistic wishes and dreams? Didn’t she deserve to be happy- even if it was a dream? Brooding over this thought, she then realized that, well, no matter what, her conscience was always playing with her mind and she would be guilty of imprudence- even in her dreams. She stayed up the whole night, watching as every piece of broken memory fit in the puzzle. A puzzle she was trying to answer she was trying to fix ever since she realized that she mattered in this world. She then understood why she let her best friend go out with her eighth grade crush, why it was alright when her sister spilled ketchup over her favorite white satin shirt when she needed to go out on the most important date of her 9th grade life, why it was alright to stay in on junior prom and nurse her younger brother, why it felt easier if she just chose a simpler college, why it was okay to not give that charming guy’s number a second thought when she wasn’t that happy with her dating life even back then.

Do you know why?

Because all her life Amara had been told that, well- she wasn’t enough. And, it wasn’t okay to put what she wants ahead of someone else’s wishes. She was plain Jane. And, she had certain boundaries to obey. Those boundaries made her think that another nerd was required at the prom, or another top could be alright to wear on the date.  Thus, that night as she sat by the porch, a tear dripped down her eye lids and she realized that all her life she held back from fighting for what she felt was right. Her guilt of not being enough held her back, but then, she did the unthinkable and uttered, “I am enough.”

A smile broke through her lips. She felt like she had just won a marathon. She felt excited. A yelp escaped her lips as she like a mischievous elf escaping from constraints and limitations.

She realized that she is enough, and she always would be.

She made her mind then that she would never let her guilt, ever stop her from being who she was. She also realized the bitter truth that day. All her life, she had strived to co-exist perfectly. Be a good person; a good human. But, then, today, she questioned why the human condition was so proclaimed to fix her into an emotional jar and keep twisting and toiling her until she decided that she had, had enough? That day, she found a certain solidarity in herself- for herself, for her fellow feminine community, for fellow humanity. She realized that if she lived her life well, she would be able to take a step ahead not only in her life, but also towards the growth and welfare of her community. With new found confidence, she sat there, admiring the morning sun; a dawn broke through the light, misty blue of the morning sky. She realized that she had found her platinum day of love, only it was love for herself; towards herself. She was the first person in her life. It was now, important for her that she knew herself much better than she knew anybody else.

Just as she put her feet down, and let her legs rest in the fur of her home slippers, a chiming sound made her look up. The ice-cream van had arrived. She thought, she might as well as have an ice-cream. She waited until the ice-cream van unlocked, and as she anticipated an ice-cream man, a woman walked out and asked, “Sprinkles?”

She just smiled and said, “Yes please.” And as they both shared a smile of empathy, she realized that they were becoming the men, they wanted to marry and well, that wasn’t such a bad thing now.

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